I serve the Prince of PEACE

"... he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer." 1 Peter 3:11

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

This week I prayed for peace. I prayed that my heart and my ever-worrisome mind would stop questioning the decision I made about camp and that I would be content in my decision. And it seems like no matter how hard I tried to make myself believe that the decision I made was right, I always thought about the "what if" or the "look what this person has", etc. Plus, I keep hearing about other graduating class members who have just signed contracts for jobs, and it was stressing me out.

Then, I went to church. And it was more of a blessing than I ever, ever, ever could have imagined.

The sermon was on Matthew 26: 6-13. It's the story about the lady who poured the expensive jar of alabaster perfume over Jesus's head while he was eating. The disciples asked, "Why this waste? This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor." Jesus responded by saying, "Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me."

Chris, our college minister, explained that the lady understood the significance of giving away a year's worth of income (which was about how much the perfume cost) in order to worship Christ in the manner she saw fit. To the world (the disciples), she had wasted something that was of precious value, but to Christ, it was an act of worship.

This was what I wrote in the margins of my bible -- "waste your life in the eyes of the world to take the time to worship Christ." God calls us to live a life that may seem like a waste to society. He asks us to give up materialistic objects that the world deems as "success" in order to live a life that worships God.

During the sermon tonight, Chris said this.. "The world views success as the fast track to your career, marriage, kids, lots of money, a big house, a nice car, retirement, and so forth. Give that up. Give up a moment of your life to "waste" it in the eyes of the world."

And that is when I realized that I made the right decision about camp.

No, I won't be making a hospital salary at camp. I won't get engaged right after graduation like I had already planned. I won't necessarily have a secure job 5 months from now. But, that's okay.

I'm taking a break from my life this summer to bless some children at a summer camp. And I plan on receiving a blessing in return. The camp this summer is not a church camp. It's a non-religious camp, in fact. But that doesn't mean that I can't love the children with the kind of love that Christ shows me daily. I can bless, love, cherish, and shower those kids with everything I have in order to make them feel like they had a summer at camp with a nurse who blessed them tremendously. And it's something I want to do.

Several people may look at what I'm doing as a risk. Like I'm wasting my degree by not jumping straight into a hospital job. I even had an ICU nurse tell me it was a waste of time that wouldn't benefit my career.

Looking back, they sure did choose an odd choice of words, didn't they? A waste of a degree and a waste of time... sounds exactly like something I'd like to do.

Waste a time period of my life to receive a blessing from Christ? Yes, please.

I walked out of church with the realization that prayer works more than ever before. And that God hears his children when they pray. And He showers you with love and peace and joy when you need it.

Praise God that He is the Prince of Peace and a steadfast provider who knows exactly what His children need!

"Take control of everything.

My life, my hopes, my dreams.

All I am and all I'll be.

I surrender to my King."

"Living He loved me. Dying He saved me. Buried He carried my sins far away.

Rising He justified, freely forever, and one day He's coming. Oh Glorious day!"

Decision is Made!

Well, it's official.. non-officially, that is. I haven't signed or mailed the contract yet, but I called David at Camp Starlight and told him I accepted the position of camp nurse for the summer!

And, yes, I'm terrified/nervous/excited. All of the above + a million other emotions.

Here are the specifics:
- camp is from June 20th to August 15th.
- they pay a salary, my trip up there and back, all food is provided, lodging is free, and they will cover the cost of getting my PA license (because I'll need it since I'll be performing nursing care in the state of Pennsylvania).
- Kim and I plan on leaving several days early in order to make a road trip out of the it and stop at several sites along the way (like Washington D.C., Charleston, and maybe another spot).
- we are hoping to take a car up there.. please keep us in your prayers that this will work out. for several reasons, having a car to drive up there and have up at camp would be ideal, but we are uncertain at the moment what car will be available.

So, there it is. Camp, here I come... eeeee! I am SO nervous about being gone. I literally have sweated over this decision for weeks now. I've lost sleep, even. Friday was my last day of precepting; I had to wake up at 5:30am and didn't fall asleep until 1:30am because I was so nervous about the decision I was going to make.. and I only dozed from that point on. I kept waking up and waking up, thinking and freaking out about my decision.

There are going to be lots of things I will miss by being gone. I will miss mine and Chuck's 7th anniversary, which is July 19th. I will miss most of Chuck's triathlons that he will do this summer. It's the last summer that Robbie will be here before he leaves to join the military. I may miss wonderful job opportunities that open up before I get back. I will miss a summer at Chuck's lake house. I'll miss my family. I'll miss Chuck. I'll miss home.
BUT, going to camp will give me an opportunity to experience something that I may never get to experience ever again. I'll get nursing experience in a Pediatric setting without having to immediately jump into a hospital job straight out of school. I've never done anything this spontaneous and experimental before.. and I'm hoping it's an experience I will never forget, or regret. I'll get an entire summer in a beautiful, northern, mountain setting surrounded by children. I'll learn multitudes about childhood conditions, medications, and will become comfortable in making sound nursing decisions and talking with doctors on site. And I get to be a comforter to children who may need me when they are homesick. I'll get to be a role model to the kids. I hope the bless the children who are there by my nursing skills.. and I'm sure I'll get a blessing in return.

Check out the website. It's www.campstarlight.com

So, now that I've prayed (and hopefully, you prayed over me, too!), please pray that I am confident in my decision. Pray that I don't question my decision and that I am blessed this summer. Pray that I don't get too homesick. Pray that Chuck and I can handle being away from each other for 2 months.. we've never been away from each other for that long. Pray that all the details come together smoothly. Pray that we have safe travels. Pray that the kids are blessed by me and Kim. Pray that we are surrounded by a loving group of people and staff who treat us wonderfully throughout the summer.

Thank you. THANK YOU! I'm so scared and nervous, but I'm excited, too :)

Confused? Yes... very.

I wore my new, black pencil skirt, my fancy shirt with ruffles, and my black high heeled shoes for my interview.

I interviewed.. and I think it went well.

They asked me some hard questions. They asked, "What was one experience you had during clinicals where you had to deal with a difficult family member or difficult patient and how did you handle the situation?" They asked, "How would you deal with a coworker who doesn't take care of his/her patients and just sits on the computer all day long?" And I fumbled my way through my answers.

And then they asked me reversal agents. Yes, pharmacology questions. Something I was not prepared for. But I survived.

Allllllllll of that to say... I AM SO CONFUSED.

Camp nurse? ICU nurse? Wait around for a Children's position to open?

i. do. not. know. And I'm so tiiiiiiiiired of being confused.

I need God to stand next to me and shout in my ear what the right answer is. Or write it down on a sticky note. Or put a message on my bathroom mirror with the right answer. And I know that He knows the right answer and that whatever happens is for good and that it's what I'm supposed to do.. but what if it's not. What if the decision I make is the wrong decision? What if I'm miserable because I decide to go with option A and option B was what would make me happy?

I like black and white. And right now I'm seeing a whooooooooooole lot of grey.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

content

Content. Being content. Contentedness.

Considering everything in my life that I am blessed with, it's amazing to me how hard I find it to just simply be content.

When I was in high school, I wanted to be in college.

In college, I always looked forward to graduation.

Now with graduation in just 19 days, I'm scared and I want to turn back time to 3 years ago.

I long to be engaged.

I'm sure once I get engaged, I will count down the days, hours, minutes, seconds to being married.

Why is it that I always find it so difficult to be okay with what I have right now? I am beyond blessed with 2 amazing, loving, by-my-side sisters, an adoring Mom who goes over and beyond to provide for us 3 girls, a boyfriend who has loved me for the past 7 years, a college degree (basically) from an outstanding University, a close-knit group of friends, and even friends living across the country from me. I should look at my life and constantly thank God for blessing me abundantly.

I didn't think it would be so hard to just be... content.

So, my prayer for myself, and for everyone else who feels like they are in the same boat... May we be content with where we are now. Because whether I feel like I deserve 10x what I have, or whether I am amazed by all that God has blessed me with, I have what I have and I should be grateful for it because it is more than I deserve.

So I have to make some tough choices this week. So it's not going to be easy for me to commit to something because I hate making commitments. So I may end up making a decision that changes what I've planned for me and my life for the last 2 years. That's okay... right? Right. And I'll be content in my decision.

Promise.

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4: 11-13